Since it’s impossible to address the total madness of the music industry in only five days, Pop Uncultured saves some of the week’s strangest stories for Friday afternoon. Enjoy?

R.I.P Whitney Houston

First things first:

:( times four million.

Rihanna got the birthday cake of our nightmares [FULL STORY]

Happy birthday, Ri-Ri!

Shakira got attacked by a sea lion [FULL STORY]

This week, Shakira was attacked by a sea lion after attempting to engage with the “cute” creatures. Later tweeting, “Omg what just happened to me! I was attacked by a sea lion!”, both Shakira and I don’t know what it will take for the public to finally realize she had nothing to do with making Dirty Dancing 2.

Green Day is preparing a new album

Billboard reports that Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong has confirmed that the trio have begun recording a new album. “Happy Valentine’s Day!” he posted. “Officially started recording the new record today. It’s FUCK TIME!!!!” At least somebody had an alright Valentine’s Day:

Bon Iver won a Grammy and everybody in the whole wide world is happy about it

PSYCH!

Pete Doherty has allegedly stopped injecting drugs

In an interview with The Independent, Pete Doherty claimed that he’s been inspired to stop injecting drugs by his “English rose” girlfriend. “I’ve stopped injecting,” he said. “The only way I can see myself in a serious relationship is if I am toning it down a bit.” If that is the case, thank goodness he’s stopped taking advice from his Uncle Bill:

Dave Matthews Band is going to tour

According to Billboard, Dave Matthews Band is finally – finally – hitting the road. The gang will be making their only Canadian stop in Toronto on June 2nd, so grab that college sweater and the guy who did keg stands because it is his time to shine.

The Beach Boys are reuniting for a full North American tour [FULL STORY]

And just how long will this tour last? According to myself (and probably Brian Wilson) . . .

Chris Brown has apparently been using his abusive past to pick up women

Earlier this week, reports surfaced that Chris Brown attempted to pick up a woman by asking for her phone number and adding “I promise I won’t beat you.” However, TMZ has released a statement from Brown himself saying, “That is absurd and absolutely not true. I did not say that nor would I joke about that.” Naturally, we know this statement couldn’t be from Chris Brown, as the writer used the word “nor”, and the two sentences weren’t punching anybody.

Skrillex and Ellie Goulding might be dating [FULL STORY]

Rumours began circulating this week that Skrillex and Ellie Goulding are officially an item. Of course, this is especially hilarious because of their obvious commonality:

They’re both in music! DUH.

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