Since it’s impossible to address the total madness of the music industry in only five days, Pop Uncultured saves some of the week’s strangest stories for Friday afternoon. Enjoy?

Paris Hilton released a new song and video [FULL STORY]

Called “Drunk Text,” we should in no way assume that it is autobiographical.

Though she is still waiting for comment from her European muse:

Meatloaf finds Florence Welch inspiring

According to Music-News, Meatloaf is inspired by Florence Welch because she is “passionate.” Adding that he’s a “huge fan,” Meatloaf explained that he loves “the way Florence combines a great sense of rhythm with genuine emotion” and that the two are actually quite similar. Responded Florence Welch almost immediately, “STOP RIGHT THEEEERRRRRRE!”

Chris Brown and Rihanna collaborated on two songs [FULL STORY]

The internet exploded this week after Rihanna and Chris Brown collaborated on two remixes, putting an end to rationality everywhere through tracks like “Birthday Cake” and “Turn Up The Music.” No word yet on whether the music is being turned up so that no one can hear Chris Brown destroying the studio, or if “Birthday Cake” is code for “WHY GOD WHY.”

Chris Brown allegedly stole a Florida woman’s phone

And speaking of Chris Brown, MTV reports that the spokesperson for maturity snatched a Florida woman’s phone and drove away after she was caught taking his photo. Fortunately, she was able to morph into a bird and seek retaliation:

Britney Spears may be the next X-Factor judge

People.com has shared that Britney Spears is an X-Factor judge hopeful, and will potentially take one of the spots left open by Nicole Scherzinger and Paula Abdul. Vowing not to reveal anything before the announcement, producer Simon Cowell has chosen to stay out of the spotlight and has released only this exclusive self-portrait:

Adele is going for her helicopter license

Since six million Grammys just isn’t enough, Adele is going for her helicopter license because according to NME, “she’s a busy woman and needs to get to places with minimal disruption.” And as convenient as that answer may be, personally, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s just trying to set fire to the rain from a better angle. (LOLOLOL)

Adele also gave the middle finger onstage at the Brits [FULL STORY]

Because she hopped in a time machine, read the bad joke I just made, and reacted appropriately.

Mark Ronson and Miike Snow are going to score a ballet

Set to collaborate with choreographer Wayne McGregor, Mark Ronson and Miike Snow will work to score a show for the Royal Ballet in London, which will “focus on the Jungian theme of anima/animus and the theory of collective masculine and feminine unconscious.” Pretty deep, guys, but try as you might, your ballet will never, ever compare to this:

The National Enquirer wants to publish photos of Whitney Houston‘s open casket

And to that I say:

Justin Bieber is releasing a new book

But on a lighter note, MTV reports that Justin Bieber is preparing to release his second book, Just Getting Started, this September. When asked how far along he is in writing it, Justin Bieber responded frustratingly, “I just told you.” Evidently, the book has yet to be titled.

Barack Obama sang “Sweet Home Chicago” in public

And to all a good night!

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