Taylor Swift’s Red was released yesterday, and even though this angle has been done to death, the most interesting thing about her songwriting is the fact that it’s still so starkly autobiographical. From the viciously dismissive pop smash “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” to the crossover country-pop title track, we had every reason to believe that Red could be Taylor Swift’s most confessional album to date.
Maybe Taylor Swift’s love life transcribed in song wouldn’t be quite so scandalous if she didn’t have such a stacked roster of famous ex-boyfriends. In recent memory, she’s been romantically linked to a member of the Glee Cast, a werewolf from Twilight, one of the Jonas Brothers, and lately, the Kennedy family. Because she’s exclusively into hunky millionaires, any time Taylor references a failed relationship in one of her songs, we delight in the titillating exercise of speculating which celebrity stud is the target of her lyrical spear.
Taylor Swift seems to be cranking out breakup anthems at an alarming rate. Is anyone else getting the feeling that there’s a common link in all of these relationships that’s giving them an inevitably disastrous fate? Sure, Taylor seems like a sweet baby angel based on her public persona, but keep in mind that we’re only getting one side of the story on her records. Maybe as a response to “Dear John,” Mr. Mayer’s next album will be a revealing look at the regrettable four months he spent at the mercy of an unnamed manipulative blonde demon. Maybe? Yeah, probably not.
On Red, Taylor has carved out a brand new niche genre that we like to call baggage-pop. Here are fifteen lovelorn lyrical jabs from Taylor Swift’s new album. Watch out Connor Kennedy; you’ve got next album.
“Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street”
That’s a completely relatable scenario, in every way.
“Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer”
Hmm, 11 letters. Starts with “T.” Says here that the clue is “Nashville’s celebrity man-eater.”
“I’d be smart to walk away, but you’re quicksand”
Name-calling is relationship no-no number one.
I Knew You Were Trouble
“I knew you were trouble when you walked in”
“A new notch in your belt is all I’ll ever be”
“You never loved me or her, or anyone, or anything”
In couples therapy, you learn that you should preface everything with “I feel that…,” Taylor. Try again.
All Too Well
“Maybe this thing was a masterpiece ’til you tore it all up”
Or maybe it was a mural painted in shit on the side of a barn. We’ll never know.
“You call me up again just to break me like a promise / So casually cruel in the name of being honest”
If he wasn’t honest with you, you might still be dating Guy Fieri. According to him, you just “didn’t have enough meat on dem bonez!” Harsh, but honest.
We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
“Then you come around again and say / ‘Baby, I miss you and I swear I’m gonna change, trust me’ / Remember how that lasted for a day?”
“You, would hide away and find your peace of mind / With some indie record that’s much cooler than mine”
Oh, Jake Gyllenhaall likes Grizzly Bear, eh? That’s a surprise. I always pictured him as more of a Wu-Tang guy.
Stay Stay Stay
“Before you, I’d only dated self-indulgent takers that took all of their problems out on me”
Hey, at least none of them wrote vaguely accusatory hit singles about you.
Sad Beautiful Tragic
“You’ve got your demons and darling they all look like me”
There’s a last-minute Halloween costume idea! The Taylor Swift Relationship Demon©. Just throw on a blonde wig, drunk dial your exes, and scream-sing “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” into the phone.
“I’ve been spending the last 8 months / Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end”
Remember when you were all like “It’s a love story, baby just say yes”? When did you get so jaded?
Girl At Home
“Honey I am no-one’s exception / This I have previously learned”
“I just wanna make sure you understand perfectly: / You’re the kind of man who makes me sad”
I think he gets it.