Fans of metal, Glenn Danzig, and all-around questionable decisions were delighted to learn that the Danzig frontman has signed on for a small role as a street thug in a gritty biopic chronicling the life of vintage porn icon Vanessa Del Rio.
Despite a minor role in The Prophecy II, Danzig has been largely absent from scripted TV and movie roles. Is it our loss that Glenn hasn’t gone the way of his contemporary Henry Rollins and carved out his own niche in Hollywood? We thought we might take a look at some film and television roles that could have benefited from a contribution from the original Misfits frontman.
The Host of Reading Rainbow
It’s not that Levar Burton didn’t do a great job hosting and producing this children’s educational classic for almost three decades, but if Glenn took the reigns, he wouldn’t let himself be encumbered by pesky things like shirts.
Ajax from The Warriors
Given Glenn’s rather homophobic remarks regarding the Wolverine movie he claims to have turned down, he’s a natural to play the wildly homophobic, aggro meathead with the short fuse from Walter Hill’s 1979 cult classic. Plus, Glenn was probably in his best shape in 1979, which is convenient given that the role calls for him to be—yep—shirtless.
John Bender from The Breakfast Club
Sexually harassing a prom queen and telling an authority figure to eat his shorts sounds like prime behavior for an insecure man with a raging Napoleon complex.
Tony Micelli from Who’s The Boss?
If this picture of Glenn doing his grocery shopping proves anything, it’s that the Evil Elvis has a domestic side. Naturally, the role of an Italian-American housekeeper is one Glenn was born to play. Who wouldn’t want to see eight seasons of multi-camera sexual tension between the Tony award winning Judith Light and the man who wrote “How the Gods Kill”?
Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley
The hair. The leather jacket. Plus, Laverne & Shirley was on between 1976 and 1983, aka Glenn’s prime devillock years. Do we really have to sell you on this?
A werewolf from Twilight
The men of America would probably feel a lot better about themselves if the ridiculously fit pack of werewolves from the Twilight franchise had an old, out of shape, right-wing uncle character that insisted on being shirtless despite having let himself go.
Biff Tannen from Back to the Future/Martin Mull from Mr. Mom/The Horse from Blazing Saddles/That alien Will Smith lays out in Independence Day
What do all these characters have in common? They all go down in one punch. Northside Kings singer Danny Marianinho knows all about that.