If you listen closely, you can hear Chad Kroeger serenading Avril: “Look at this photograph…”
They throw their heads back in uproarious laughter, and make love for the fourth time that day, on a circular bed adorned with fox fur pillows and a duvet made from the down of a thousand baby doves.
While attending an event with his post-Avril flame Ari Cooper last week, Deryck Whibley, the lead singer/melodic brain trust behind Sum 41, revealed a daring new look. Just one year ago, Deryck looked like this:
And now, he looks like some kind of Fat Mike/Troll Doll (sans belly jewel) hybrid with greasy lips and a vanishing chin:
What happened to Bizzy D?! It feels a little mean to say that he let himself go, but goddamn, the dude looks rough. Is it because Stevo-32 left the band? Is this what happens when Chad Kroeger puts a ring on your ex? Or, is it a toxic cocktail of both? While we’re wildly speculating, I’m just gonna throw this out there: is D-Whib on the pipe? Probably not — to echo every Twitter jokester who sounded off with regard to the done-to-death Rob Ford cracktroversy, typically, you lose weight when you’re kissin’ that glass dick.
Before this gets any darker, let me just say that I’d be mortified if I was once famous enough to have a million asshole blog monsters (self inclusive) comment on how far I’d fallen in terms of my physical appearance. So let’s avoid any kind of next-level viciousness here, and try to keep it light. People age. Everyone goes through a weird, embarrassing phase where they start wearing raver pants and eating Arby’s beef n cheds for every meal (right? right?!!), so don’t judge. Let’s think of this whole thing the same way we’d think of showing our friends our expired drivers’ license and passport photos, back when Priestly-esque sideburns and eyebrow rings were in vogue. Okay, it’s not really the same, but please just let me dodge guilt so I can sleep a little sounder tonight, ok? That said, the genre was so deliberately image-focused—the music often secondary to perfectly spiked hair—that it almost alleviates us from moral responsibility.
Seeing a photo of Deryck in Sum 41′s heyday beside those insanely meme-worthy recent snaps got me wondering whether or not it’s common for the mall-punk heroes of yesteryear to backslide like that. The fact that a governing ethos of mainstream pop-punk is to defy and postpone adulthood (“Responsibility? What’s that?”) makes this whole thing especially interesting to me. I’ll acknowledge that judging someone’s physical appearance a decade after their band was popular is an ashamedly superficial way to measure their individual relationship with the aging process, but I’m just too consumed with morbid curiosity to stop myself from Googling “singer from Lit, 2013.”
Here’s a bunch of photos of ’90s and ’00s era mainstream pop-punk heroes, comparing what they looked like back in the day to what they look like all grown up. Spoiler alert: people change, and yes, sometimes it is terrifying.
Mark Hoppus (blink-182)
Is Mark Hoppus the Rob Lowe of pop-punk? Dude barely has a wrinkle.
Tom DeLonge (blink-182)
Yeeesh. Is Tom DeLonge the Mickey Rourke of pop-punk?
Patrick Stump (Fall Out Boy)
I wish I could insert a third photo in between these two, of Chubby Trucker Hat Muttonchop Stump. Wish?! What am I saying?
Pete Wentz (Fall Out Boy)
Hey cool, Pete Wentz used to have “The Rachel.”
Billie Joe Armstrong (Green Day)
I can’t even deal with how much present-day Billie Joe looks like Lucille Austero.
Greig Nori (Treble Charger)
In 2013, the best advice this DisBand guru can give you has to do with flatiron technique.
Pierre Bouvier (Simple Plan)
Somehow, this dude actually looks younger. Must be that crisp Mount Royal air. I bet Pierre is a larper.
Jim Adkins (Jimmy Eat World)
I feel you, Jim. You toooootally start to sweat way more when you get older. Sometimes I get pitstains, but like, on the back of my knees. Kneepitstains.
A. Jay Popoff (Lit)
Times are tight for Lit; their pomade and comb budget just ain’t what it was in 2003.
John Feldmann (Goldfinger)
I can’t tell if the guy on the right is an investment banker, or the monster responsible for the last Black Veil Brides record.
Theo Goutzinakis (Gob)
It’s good to see that some things never change.
Dexter Holland (The Offspring)
Is Dexter Holland’s opus Smash, or the fact that he kept his meter-long dreads from getting tangled into a pop-punk rat king for so many years?
Avril Lavigne (Uhh, Avril Lavigne)
She traded in a couple of those hard-as-fuck leather bracelets for a pretty lil’ hair bow, but otherwise, Avril hasn’t changed much over the past eleven years.
Colette Trudeau (LiveOnRelease)
This one’s for the O.G. CanCon mall-punk crowd.
Joel Madden (Good Charlotte)
Thankfully, Joel traded in the prayer pose and eyeliner for an apologetic smile and an eyebrow furl. It still doesn’t make up for “I Just Wanna Live.”
Jordan Pundik (New Found Glory)