Love, is a burning thing. And it makes, a fiery ring. If Al Gore has taught us anything, it’s that relationships are hard to maintain. It doesn’t matter if you’re committing to a person or a band, eternal love is tough to pull off.

A recent study on divorce-rate ranked Canada eighth among the world’s nations. The United States topped the list, they truly are leaders of the free world. The study was based on person to person marriages, but what about person to band marriages?

The fan to band relationship is very similar to traditional ones. Much like a person to person marriage, the union between a fan and bands can end in divorce. Generally it happens like this…

Step 1: Love at First Sight / Love at First Listen

This is where it all begins. You’re in a record store aimlessly flipping through albums when out of nowhere, your foot starts to tap. Slowly your head begins to bop to the beat. You walk over to the guy behind the counter and ask him for the source of the glorious sounds swimming into your ears.

As he shows you the album, your eyes light up. He plays another song off the record and your booty starts to shake. You can’t stop smiling, like Tom Hanks in Big after he got laid.

Step 2: The Hook Up /First Purchase

In an effort to not seem desperate, you casually purchase the album of your new favourite band. On the surface you play it cool, but underneath it all, you can’t wait to get home and be alone with them. The two of you hang out in your room, with the door closed, for hours.

You become intimate, reading the liner notes and lyrics, while singing along to the hot jams over and over. After a while your friends start to show concern, saying that you’re spending too much time with the band. They complain that they never see you anymore.

But you don’t care. As you and the band become closer you begin to research and read every article you can possibly find about them. The lead singer once called Brandon Flowers a “fucking tool”??? This was meant to be.

Step 3: Marriage / Collection

Despite your parents objections you decide to take the big step. You want to let everyone know that this shit is legit.

As a sign of your undying love you don’t just purchasing the band’s t-shirt, you order a rare tour shirt from some indie record shop located in a town you’ve never heard of.

And you don’t just buy tickets to see the band in your hometown, you go on road trips to see them in other cities. This is love damn it, it knows no boundaries.

To your face, your friends support your decision, but behind your back everyone questions your motives.

Step 4: Post Honeymoon / Shitty Third Album

Three albums into the relationship and things are becoming routine. You know their style, you’ve seen them live countless times and instead of leaving the room to fart, you’ve gotten in the habit of asking them to pull your finger.

Both of you are starting to let yourself go. Predictable lyrics and track pants are becoming more and more common.

Step 5: Three-way / Collaborations

The marriage is in desperate need of a boost. To spice things up the band suggests collaborating with an outside artists. Bringing an outsider into a relationship is a big gamble. While it’s a good to keep things fresh, you don’t want to create any unnecessary tension and mess up the original relationship.

And what are the rules exactly? Is this a one time thing? Will there be live performances? Is penetration acceptable or are they just there to hold the camera? It’s best to determine this before the collaborations start.

Step 6: The Affair / Supergroup

This is where things fall apart. Inviting the third party into the relationship was a mistake. All of a sudden it’s not just you and the band anymore, it’s you and the band and the extra rhythm guitarist that sings backups.

Before you know it, you’re not even privy to what’s going on. They’re going out to dinner and releasing singles every other week. There’s even talk of changing the band’s name. This wasn’t what you signed up for.

Step 7: The Divorce / Selling the Collection

This is where it finally ends. Neither party is happy and hasn’t been for a long time. Shit gets nasty during the custody battles over song memories. So much has changed since that first meeting in the record store. You pack all of their shit into boxes and put up an ad on Craig’s List.

Most of the next few days are spent in bed. When you’re not sleeping you’re getting drunk and rebounding with spoken word albums. It takes a while but eventually time will heal your wounds. And before you know it, you’re going back out to record stores and looking to hook up again. Just like Al Gore.