7 absurd music conspiracy theories

by Tyler Munro

February 13, 2014

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via Gawker

Conspiracy theories can range from challenging and eye-opening to outright hilarious, and because music occupies such an important role in pop culture, they can seep into the backstories of some of our favourite artists. Chief among these theories are alien abductions; tales of extraterrestrial invasions stretch further than the stories your weird pot-smoking uncle would tell.

For as long as we’ve known about Roswell—not what happened, but that something did—there have been stories of alien abductions. And while we’re not sure why these humanoid green or grey aliens have such a fascination with shoving things up their captives’ butts, they just can’t seem to leave our sphincters alone.

 

The alien abduction of Elvis

Both the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll and the King of the Hoax, Elvis Presley’s life was bookended by conspiracy theories, and from start to finish, aliens play a part. Larry Geller, long time Elvis Presley hairstylist (and, oddly, spiritual advisor) seems to be the pusher when it comes to these stories. First, the theory that Elvis Presley’s birth was visited or observed by aliens.

“His father told us he’d gone out to have a cigarette at 2 a.m. during the delivery and when he looked up into the skies above their little shack, he saw the strangest blue light,” said Geller. “He knew right then and there that something special was happening.”

Uh huh. A few years later, writes author Michael C. Luckman, eight-year-old Elvis was apparently visited by aliens. The story goes that these aliens, which some have speculated were, uh, spiders from hell, told the King about his prosperous future. Eventually, Elvis became a huge collector of books on aliens and the occult. Does that make him a believer? Sure. Does that make it true? Not so much.

Elvis famously died a few decades later, and among rumours that he’d hired impersonators to fake his death were chatterings that he was abducted by aliens, both before and after dying.

 

Rihanna the Reptilian

We’ll soon get to those that think the Illuminati run the music industry, but worse than them are those who believe in Reptilians. (ED: Hey dude, don’t judge my convictions.) As writer David Icke explains, the belief is that 12-foot tall shapeshifting reptilian humanoids from the Draconis star system are slowly infiltrating our planet through politics and pop-culture. The usual suspects are considered: U.S. Presidents, the Queen of England and… Rihanna?

Yes, according to some of the more illustrative online conspiracy theories, Rihanna is part of this evil, green underground society. They can prove it, too.

The above video, at nearly nine minutes, presents irrefutable proof that Rihanna is a reptilian shapeshifter. Did you see how her pupils changed from the round shape of a human to the elongated slit of a lizard person? You probably thought that was just camera blur or a framerate drop. Well, you’re probably an idiot. Need more proof?

In the video for “Where Have You Been” (posted above), the Barbadian Lizard Queens opens up in the buff, rising out of the water with nothing but painted on scales. Oh, sorry. Not painted on. Real scales.

This is something people legitimately believe, as if Rihanna is part of some super secret, never proven to exist society that’s at this point just taunting those that believe in them.

“At the beginning you can see she is supposed to be an alligator type being rising from the water,” reads a post on IlluminatiWatcher.com. “Perhaps this is a slight nod to reptilian bloodlines?”

If by perhaps you mean definitely, then sure! But don’t worry, Rihanna: another video exposing you as the Lizard you are, one which has been viewed nearly 300,000 times, says not to be scared. “There are many good reptilians among us living side by side helping, sharing, and spiritually growing with us,” reads its description. Amen!

 

Jay Z is in league with Satan

Jay Z is incredibly popular in spite of the fact he’s gone about a decade since releasing a worthwhile album. So, you could attribute his success to his business savvy, charming ineffable personality or his uber publicized marriage. Or, if you’re one of those people, you could state the obvious: dude is totally in league with Satan.

Do you know how we know this? Because once, in a music video, he wore a shirt that sported the Ordo Templi Orientis motto. His Rocawear clothing line often references the All-Seeing Eye, and pair that with the appropriation of some of Aleister Crowley’s famous sayings and dude, he’s obviously in league with Satan. Did you see when he only thanked God “a little” at the Grammys? That’s proof, sheep.

Above, conspiracy theorist Mark Dice and his magnificently sweaty upper lip elaborates on these allegations, going so far as to call Yeezus, Jay Z and “satanic skank Nicki Minaj” a bunch of “scumbag illuminati wannabes.”

So are they evil, or just poseurs? Or can it be both?

 

Ace “Spaceman” Frehley

For Ace Frehley, Spaceman isn’t just a nickname.

Ace says he was abducted by aliens 12 years ago at his New York estate. “I had an alien ship land in my backyard,” he told interviewer Eddie Trunk. “Don’t ask me how, but I remember vividly taking off.” In author Michael Luckman’s book Alien Rock, Frehley says while he has no conscious recollection of the abduction, the ship that took him left a 27-foot circular burn mark in his grass. Drugs? No, not Ace. Not ever.

But aliens are only part of Ace’s theories. He says he regularly reads books on quantum physics and is curious of the theory that humans were spawned from aliens. Here’s what he told MTV Hive.

Listen, homo sapiens have been around for about 300,000 years. But in the last 5000 years our brain capacity has tripled. And there’s no explanation for that biologically. The only logical explanation I can come up with is that we mated with aliens and our DNA mixed with theirs and gave us that much more intelligence. How do you think the pyramids got built?

How do you think the pyramids got built? Uh… Egyptians?

BONUS FUN FACT!!!

Ace Frehley and his family were featured on the season premiere of Celebrity Ghost Stories, where viewers learned his estate was haunted by a moody female ghost that regularly pushed them down the stairs.

 

Andrew WK is a bunch of people

For quite a while there was a theory that the Andrew WK who released “Party Hard” was a different person than the one who penned The Wolf, and while these theories have waned in the years since, there are those that still believe Andrew WK is actually several different people.

This is, of course, ridiculous, and nobody was more confused by these theories than WK himself.

To a sensible person, what happened is this: Andrew WK is discovered. His image, authentic as it is, gets refined. Some of the people on his team use an alias, then those aliases disappear, and then a few years go by and Andrew WK shaves. As someone with a beard, I can attest that going clean shaven can render you almost unrecognizable to even your closest of friends and coworkers. And to lose weight? I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare he!

Four years ago, Andrew WK addressed these rumours in a lengthy statement on his website in which he addressed allegations of being some sort of music industry puppet.

“I am a real person who thinks for himself and am not the victim of anyone or group of people trying to influence my career or life,” wrote WK. “I take responsibility for everything in my life, including who I work for and what happens to me because of it.”

Andrew WK is one person. Fact. It’s not like he’s Slash or anything…

 

Foo Fighters: AIDS deniers, anti-vaccine crusaders

Relax: neither of these have to do with Dave Grohl. But the Foo Fighters rhythm section has gotten itself into hot water over the years for their controversial anti-science opinions. First, Nate Mendel, Foo Fighters bassist and known AIDS denialist.

“Those who take the time to investigate will find that popular ideas about AIDS are based on a hypothesis that does not stand up to scientific scrutiny,” wrote Mendel in response to a Mother Jones story. “I am not a medical professional, and I am relatively new to these questions, but I am convinced that those who have tested HIV positive and those sick with AIDS are being done a disservice by not having all the information available to them.”

Well, as long as he was convinced.

While Mendel was seemingly the only Foo Fighter to subscribe to these incredibly dangerous ideals, the band nonetheless tossed their name into the AIDS Denialists hat when they played a benefit to AIDS Alternatives charity Alive & Well in 2000. They no longer list this gig on their website, but that they played it in the first place is incredibly concerning.

Up next is Foo Fighters drummer Taylor Hawkins.

“We know why we’re here,” he said while performing at an Age of Autism concert. But while Age of Autism brand themselves as a charity geared towards Autism research, they’re more popularly known as crusaders in the anti-vaccination movement. Hawkins told DrumMagazine that he’s an uncle to a child with autism, but going full Jenny McCarthy does more harm than good.

 

Beyoncé is a Satanic lizard who didn’t actually give birth to her daughter

There are innumerable conspiracy theories surrounding Beyoncé, but most intersect with things we’ve already dealt with.

Do you see the folds on her temple? That’s because she’s a shapeshifting lizard. Or, if anything it proves she’s part Denobulan, but we’ll leave the Trek geekery to another post.

Do you see her eyes? Lizard.

And since she’s married to Jay Z, Bey’s obviously in league with Satan, the Freemasons, the Illuminati, the Stonecutters and everything in between.

But forget that for a second. Remember when she announced her pregnancy? Remember when the world legitimately thought it was a fraud? Remember how people still do? This one we might actually believe.

Look, Beyoncé is that kid’s mother. That’s irrefutable. But biology and family aren’t exclusive, and while it’s more likely than not that she gave birth to Blue the old fashioned way, there are some damning arguments for the Carter’s using a surrogate. Chief among them, this video:

Like, okay. She pretty much definitely had that baby. But her stomach folds! Maybe it’s her dress and maybe not, but it simply does not look natural.

What is this!

Tags: Music, News, Videos, this exists

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